Why Heartbreak Has Me Hesitant to Love
I'm sure all you ladies, and guys too have at one point or another said, "I don't wanna get hurt again." Whether it be related to physical or emotional hurt, nobody wants to go through that. Like most people, I've experienced loss through a relationship and its hard to recover from that. Here I am, 22 years old and I still think about my high school boyfriend from time to time. Does that make me pathetic? Probably, but that break up made me realize a lot about myself and makes me hesitant to fall for someone again.
When I was younger, I assumed I would be married by my 20's and have everything figured out. Totally wrong. Instead, I'm a recent college graduate, interning at some office bore and writing my own blog about my heart ache. Yeah, did not think this is where I would be at...but that's okay. I'm content with being single and having the luxury to flirt with whoever or simply having "me" time which includes binge watching Gilmore Girls in bed all day.
The whole reason I realized this revelation and proceeded to write about it, is when I started regularly talking to this guy. Long story short, it had been awhile since I was texting and hanging out with a male on a weekly basis and I had forgotten how to act during that type of situation. I wouldn't consider myself a girl who falls for any guy right away, but I tend to have an intuition and with this one; nothing.
He's a really nice guy. Genuine, smart, attractive and kind. A real rarity nowadays. I wanted to be into him but this wall was stopping me from getting to know him, or even remembering how to socialize with the opposite sex. (That just sounds sad, but it's true!) This pathetic generation of 'fuckboys' and hook up buddies was making me believe all guys wanted was to get laid. I don't want to be right about that statement but with my previous record, you boys are standing true to it. Heartbreak is inevitable. Whether it's between a girlfriend/boyfriend, a friendship or even a family situation, the testament of life entails some heart breaking, just to verify that we are functioning human beings. As a young adult I need to teach myself how to be vulnerable again, and let people in. I am realizing I need to trust others as I would want to be trusted. If he is in it for the right reasons, I shouldn't think otherwise just because of my past. It is hard for me to wrap my head around the fact at someone would want me. I know I know, sounds so cynical but my insecurities overpower me at times, and I have found myself doubting both mine and his capability to have a real relationship.
Ok, so I'm getting ahead of myself right there, relationship was never discussed between him and I but I'd be lying if I said I never thought about it. I'm at a point in my life where I want a relationship again. I want that connection with another person and to be able to talk to them, learn from them and love them. Yes, I've been hurt from love before but I believe the only way out is through and I think I'm ready to conquer this sappy stuff again.
P.S. Stay tuned for any more updates on the boy, he may be featured in my writing in the future.